my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
