ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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