Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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