Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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