I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
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You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
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How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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