I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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