GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
