Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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