wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
