We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
