I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
