where am i from again
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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