I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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