so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
