No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
