I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
whose ass print is on the piano?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
