dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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