Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
