So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
