I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
