the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
