1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
