My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I have demons in me.
and she was petting her beer can
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
