a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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