hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
