you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
