I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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