i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
