I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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