my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
