So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
