You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
