she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
