1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
