I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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