C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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