I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
