why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
