I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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