if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
