I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
