smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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