i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
