He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
