i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
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