Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
