i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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