And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
