I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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