Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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