My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
