I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
