i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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