We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
