Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
