It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
